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  • TYPOs

    If you are not one of those who sends the self typed emails without proof reading or not very good at typing....hmmm...or you request the other person to type the email for you...better be careful.

    1. In B. ED

    A daughter sent an email to her father on passing her B. Ed.  exams, which the father received as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED"

    2. Who is here?

    A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent an email to his wife "I wish you were here."

    The message  received by the wife was "I  wish you were her"

    3.Top and Bottom

    A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a  party.

    So  he  ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.

    He thought for a moment and said, put "Getting older but you are getting better".

    The salesman asked "How do you want me to put it?"

    The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "But you are getting better" at the bottom.'

    When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.

    It reads "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"


    Moral of the Story:

    1.  Double proof read everything before you send.
    2.  Don't trust others to write it right for you.
    3.  Don't order cakes by telephone.

    recd as fwd email

  • best salesman

    A keen immigrant Indian Marwadi lad applied for a salesman's job at London's premier downtown department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

    The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes sir, I was a salesman in India ", replied the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you."

    The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. And finally 6:00 PM came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "Sir, Just ONE sale." said the young salesman. "Only one sale?" blurted the boss.. "No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. "If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way "How much was the sale worth?" "300534.00 pounds" said the young Marwadi.

    "What.....how did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

    "Well", said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. So I told him he'd be needing a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer.

    I then asked him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about 100 Pounds worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

    The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook!!"

    "No" answered the salesman, "he came in to buy a box of Sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, "Sir, Your weekend is screwed anyway, you might as well go fishing."

    Boss - "You sit in my chair.......".

    [recd as a fwd email]

    JP adds - And all those guys who do not have to buy SNs due to MENO..NO..NO problems might as well go for permanent fishing....as in any case their lives are screwed up on a 24*365 basis

  • Costly EGO

    A lady in a faded grey dress and her husband, dressed in a home-spun suit walked in timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office. The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Harvard.

    "We want to see the President "the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day "the secretary snapped."We'll wait" the lady replied.

    For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president..

    "Maybe if you see them for a few minutes,they'll leave" she said to him. The President, stern faced and with dignity,strutted toward the couple.

    The lady told him "We had a son who attended Harvard for one y ear. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."

    The president wasn't touched....He was shocked."Madam "he said, gruffly, we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery."

    "Oh, no," the lady explained quickly" We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard."

    The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, and then exclaimed, "A building!Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard."

    For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now. The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a university ? Why don't we just start our own?"

    Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. Mr.and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the University that bears their name: - Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

    Most of the time we judge people by their outer appearance, which can be misleading and many times, very costly

    recd as a fwd email

  • Different Strokes

    The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for

    Blood plasma.

    **************
    No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

    **************

    Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

    **************

    You burn more calories sleeping

    than you do watching television.

    ***************

    Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

    **************
    The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

    **************

    The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

    **************

    American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive

    from each salad served in first-class.

    **************

    Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women,what does this tell you!)

    ***************

    Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

    ***************

    Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!

    **************

    The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
    So did the first ' Marlboro Man. '

    **************

    Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

    **************

    PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!

    *************

    The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

    **************

    It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...

    but, not downstairs.

    **************

    A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

    **************

    Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6)feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

    ************

    Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word 'criminal'.The second ?
    William Jefferson Clinton (SURPRISED!?)

    ***********

    And the best for last.....

    Turtles can breathe through their butts.

    ``~~~~`~~~~~~````````~~~~~~~`
    recd as a fwd email

  • Worth only $20 ?

    A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

    Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

    " Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

    "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

    "Oh, no", says the little old lady. You see, my backyard backs up to the parking lot of 'Lambeau Field'. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes and right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say $20 or off it comes!"

    "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

    "Well," says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing."

    from fwd circuit

  • Heart Attacks and Drinking Warm Water

    Recd as a fwd email from a friend




    This is a very good article. Not only about the warm water after your meal, but about  
     Heart Attacks . The Chinese and Japanese drink hot tea with their meals, not cold water, maybe it is time we adopt their drinking habit while eating.
     
    For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you. It is nice to have a cup of cold drink after a meal. However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed. It will slow down the digestion. Once this 'sludge' reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.
    C
    ommon Symptoms Of Heart Attack...
    A serious note about heart attacks - You should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the
    left arm hurting . Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line .
    You may never have the first
    chest pain during the course of a heart attack. Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms. 60% of people who have a heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let's be careful and be aware. The more we know, the better chance we could survive.
    A
    cardiologist says if everyone who reads this message sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life. Read this & Send to a friend. It could save a life. So, please be a true friend and send this article to all your friends you care about.
  • Some more FWD jokes

    BRA....G

    A Jewish man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy¹s in New York.

    He tells the saleslady,  'I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size, 34B.'

    With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, 'What kind of bra?'

    He repeated, 'A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish
    bra, and that you would know what she wanted.'

    'Ah, now I remember,' said the saleslady. 'We don't get as many requests
    for those as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra,
    or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.'

    Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked  'So, what are the
    differences?'

    The sales lady responded. 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra
    supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the
    Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.'

    He mused on that information for a minute and said,

    ' Hmm. I know I¹ll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?'

    'Ah, the Jewish bra,' she replied ³makes mountains out of molehills.'

     

    Which PARTY are you from ?
     
     It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were  too
    many people and not enough refreshments.

    She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't  know
    how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an  idea....

    He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the
    brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.

    Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand
    up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.

    The He smiled and said

    "Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party".

    BARRI....STAR

    Barrister: What is your date of birth?
    Plaintiff: July 15th
    Barrister: What year?
    Plaintiff: Every year

    ----

    Barrister: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
    Plaintiff: Er, Gucci and Reeboks

    ----

    Barrister: This myasthemia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    Plaintiff: Yes
    Barrister: And in what way does it affect your memory?
    Plaintiff: I forget
    Barrister: You forget. Can you give me another example of something you've forgotten?

    ----

    Barrister: What was the first thing your husband said to you when you woke up on the morning in question?
    Plaintiff: He said "where am I Cathy?"
    Barrister: And why did that upset you?
    Plaintiff: My name is Susan

    ----

    Barrister: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    Plaintiff: No
    Barrister: Did you check for blood pressure?
    Plaintiff: No
    Barrister: Did you check for breathing?
    Plaintiff: No
    Barrister: So is it possible that the patient was alive when you performed the autopsy?
    Plaintiff: No
    Barrister: How can you be so sure doctor?
    Plaintiff: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk
    Barrister: But the patient could have still been alive nevertheless?
    Plaintiff: Yes it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere

  • Brain Teasers


    This is a REAL neurological test. Be seated comfortably and feel calm...

    1- Find the C below. Do not use any cursor help.

    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

    9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999
    9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999
    9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999
    9999699999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999
    9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999
    9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999

    3- Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult..

    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MNMMMM
    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMM
    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMM
    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMM
    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMM

    This is NOT a joke. (can't vouch for it!)
    Apparently... If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist.
    Your brain is great and you're far from having Alzheimer Disease.
    Congratulations!
    [from a fwd email]

  • India....Awake and Arise...before it is too late

    Read this article with some 'deadly' photos here

    INDIA, my beloved country….

    Let us shake out of this deep slumber. What happened in Bombay on 26/27/28 November 2008 can happen any where in our country, if we do not arise and act.

    What happened to those innocent travelers and bystanders in CST railway station, Nariman House and other places can happen to any of us. Death by default. Default of 'dictators' who go by the name of ministers but belonging to a common cannibal tribe called 'politicians'.

    The same tribe who were playing the fiddles and fiddling their thumbs during the fire but had the temerity to call the families after the cremation of those who sacrificed their lives.

    It is not only the politician who is corrupt…you and I are equally responsible.

    It is not only the Shivraj Patels, Deshmuks, RR Patels, Baalus and Rajas who are morally and intelligently bankrupt but Sonia Gandhi, Sharad Pawar and Karunanidhi who put them in those positions are more responsible.

    It is not only the delay of NSG reaching Bombay that cost more lives but the justification offered for that delay by NSG DG and Special Secretary that calls for action.

    It is not only the ruthlessness of the terrorists but the stupidity of the chief of ATS Maharastra and his colleagues who went to the ‘battle field’ with just vintage bullet proof jackets that cost their lives.
    It is not only those in charge of mortuaries who did not bother to cover the bodies of ordinary policemen lying unattended on the floor but the so called elite reporters of TV channels and photographers who did not let us see and hear the press conference of NSG DG properly, who need to be kicked.

    Oh God, help us

    After the Nariman House was cleared off the terrorists, when the crowds poured into that street where the house was located, did you notice the BJP MAHARAJA Gopinath Munde walking down with two young ladies and other chamchas..while the crowd was being controlled by ...hold your thoughts...not the police but BJP workers wearing yellow shirts and sticks in their hands...

    Why is the most incompetent DGP Maharastra AN Roy not thrown out ?

    Is it not time Western Naval Command Chief and the Coast Guard Chief being held responsible for 'sleeping in the sea waters' when the trawler and speed boat used by the 'ts' could reach Colaba coast ?

    Should we not 'honour' the 'all in spotless white - including the juthi shoes-' CM VR Deshmuk who organised a conducted tour for himself, his two sons and a movie producer along with a lot of freeloaders of the devastated Taj Hotel with 'Bharat Ratna'?

  • Words of wisdom from a Comedian

    A Message by George Carlin, comedian of 70s & 80s

    The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. 

    We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

    We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

    We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. 

    We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. 

    These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete... 

    Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

    Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. 

    Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

    Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. 

    Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

    Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

    AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: 

    Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

    [from the fwd email circuit]

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