Archive - From the heart

BITCHOLOGY

by bjaypee @ 30. Jan 2008 – 23:32:43

TO ALL MY WOMEN FRIENDS

When I stand up for
myself and my beliefs,
they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for
those I love, they call
me a bitch.

When I speak my mind,
think my own thoughts
or do things my own way,
they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch means I
won't compromise what's
in my heart.
It means I live my life
MY way.
It means I won't allow
anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate
injustice and speak against it,
I am defined as a bitch.
The same thing happens
when I take time for
myself instead of being
everyone's maid, or when I
act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage
and strength to allow myself
to be who I truly am and
won't become anyone else's
idea of what they think I
'should' be.

I am outspoken, opinionated
and determined.
I want what I want and
there is nothing wrong with
that!

So try to stomp on me,
try to douse my inner flame,
try to squash every ounce of
beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a
bitch , so be it.
I embrace the title and am
proud to bear it.

B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

'If you can't do something right, get a woman to do it '

--
Every morning you are handed 24 golden hours. They are one of the few things in this world that you get free of charge. If you had all the money in the world, you couldn't buy an extra hour. What will you do with this priceless treasure?
Author Unknown
--

Dog's lesson to human beings !

by bjaypee @ 26. Jan 2008 – 04:18:45

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout ... Run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

I AM THANKFUL FOR THIS FWD E-MAIL BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME!

High expectation of ANATOMY ?!

by bjaypee @ 26. Jan 2008 – 04:10:54

Naughty mind....High expectations

It was Professor Smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"

Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".

Thwarted by the girl's reply, Professor Smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.

This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.

Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".

The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you three things:

(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!!!!!!

(10 times.........huh... ...MY GOD!! that might be killing)

what else..but fwd email circuit

Who am I ?

by bjaypee @ 25. Jan 2008 – 11:35:39

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell,right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake re plied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls ... You must be a politician".

photos from the net

WINE & WOMAN, WOW !

by bjaypee @ 24. Jan 2008 – 02:38:05

If you haven't seen this one before, its funny....[courtesy Stephen, my 'invisible friend with a golden heart, on the email fwd circuit]

Bottle of Wine

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers; the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil creatures . Don't mess with them!!!!

Being over FIFTY

by bjaypee @ 23. Jan 2008 – 18:20:57

Yes, being over 50 does have its advantages...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.

9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses).

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with the elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this [email].

recd as a fwd email

The Complete CYCLE of male SUCCESS

by bjaypee @ 23. Jan 2008 – 17:58:59

THE COMPLETE CYCLE OF MALE SUCCESS

At age 04 success is not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is having friends.

At age 16 success is having a driver's licence.

At age 20 success is having sex.

At age 35 success is having money.

At age 50 success is having money.

At age 60 success is having sex.

At age 70 success is having a driver's licence.

At age 75 success is having friends.

At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

( And by the way, what success are you having now?)

.........another gem from email fwd circuit

Niece and Nephew...NICE & NEW !!

by bjaypee @ 23. Jan 2008 – 17:54:12

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins..... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine now. However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them".

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not my brother...he's a dumb clueless idiot". Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved. "Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise. "

Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew"

TESTI.......what?

by bjaypee @ 23. Jan 2008 – 17:36:24

This young, highly trained butler sought a job in a good home.

When he returned home his wife asked him how he fared at his interview at the mansion of Lady Wellmeanington.

He did very well, he said, but unfortunately failed, though he wasn't sure why.

What happened, she asked.

"Well", he said, " at the lunch, she asked me to serve the white wine. I did it perfectly - first to the guest of honour, and correctly poured only half the glass.

She then asked me to serve the red wine, and I did it so well that it won her applause.

I served the food to guest of honour first, and all went well. At the end of the lunch she was so pleased that she told me on the spot that I was selected.

And so what happened, asked his wife.

" Well ", he replied, " she said that before she gave me the job she would like to see my testimonials.

And that, I think, is where I went wrong"

Cheers to fwd jokes

The stunning eyes

by bjaypee @ 23. Jan 2008 – 17:27:22

The stare that stops you in your tracks

The fantastic letter...."F"

by bjaypee @ 23. Jan 2008 – 15:43:19

Count the number of 'F's in the following text in 15 seconds.....Do not Cheat !!

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Managed it?

Scroll down only after you have counted them!

OK?

How many?

T
h
r
e
e
!

(You

are

definitely

male

!!!)

Wrong !

There

are

six

no joke!

Read again!

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

The reasoning is further down...

The MALE brain cannot process the word "OF".

Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go has a brain of a Female

You can test this by asking a Guy/Girl near you to work it out ..!

[from fwd email circuit]

Gate Crashers...?

by bjaypee @ 23. Jan 2008 – 15:32:41

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.

She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....

He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up pease?".

About twenty people stood.

Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?".

About twenty five people stood up.

Then he smiled and said "Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party".

All in the BRA....IN !

by bjaypee @ 23. Jan 2008 – 15:26:20

A Jewish man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy¹s in New York.

He tells the saleslady, 'I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size, 34B.'

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, 'What kind of bra?'

He repeated, 'A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish
bra, and that you would know what she wanted.'

'Ah, now I remember,' said the saleslady. 'We don't get as many requests
for those as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra,
or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.'

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked 'So, what are the
differences?'

The sales lady responded. 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the
Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.'

He mused on that information for a minute and said,

'Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?'

'Ah, the Jewish bra,' she replied 'makes mountains out of molehills'

Who said THAT ? ! ?

by bjaypee @ 22. Jan 2008 – 14:57:03

Here is a story about an Indian boy on his first day at school in the USA.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subramanyam entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand-up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar.

" Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fk the Indians,"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrashekhar says, " George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"

Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, " Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little st. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, " Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on he floor, someone said, "Oh st, we're fked!"

And Chandrashekhar said quietly, " George Bush, Iraq, 2005."

You must have seen this on the net but still worth a look.

Happiness is ....

by bjaypee @ 22. Jan 2008 – 14:42:10

If you want happiness....

for an hour...take a nap.

for a day... go for a picnic.

for a week... go on a vacation.

for a month... get married.

for a year... inherit wealth.

for a life time... learn to love what you do !

Read somewhere

S T R for remembering S T R O K E.....!

by bjaypee @ 22. Jan 2008 – 14:02:06

STROKE IDENTIFICATION:

[Recd on the FWD email but consider it very important to publish]

During a B B Q, a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) ......she said she had just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes.

They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food. While she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening.

Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00 pm Ingrid passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the B B Q. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Ingrid would be with us today. Some don't die.... they end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead.

It only takes a minute to read this...

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke... totally . He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE

Thank God for the sense to remember the "3" steps by remembering the first three letters of 'S T R O K E' ,

S -T- R .

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke .

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

S - Ask the individual to SMILE.

T - Ask the person to TALK and speak a simple sentence coherently like 'Where is Shashi Aunty?'

R - Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call for help or rush to hospital immediately and describe the symptoms.

New sign to identify stroke by asking the person to 'STICK OUT THE TONGUE"

Ask the person to 'stick' out his/her tongue.. If the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other , that is also an indication of a stroke.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved !

PLEASE SEND THIS AS AN EMAIL TO YOUR FRIENDS !

1, 2, 3 & 4 or O, OH, TOO, GOOOD !!

by bjaypee @ 22. Jan 2008 – 13:47:18

O, OH, TOO, GOOD !!!!!

The person who invented this sentence is either a Vocabulary GENIUS or is absolutely JOBLESS.

Why?

You'll soon find out!!!
!
!
!
!
Read the sentence below carefully...

"I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalists' intercommunications incomprehensibleness".

This is a sentence where the Nth word is N letters long.

For example,3rd word is 3 letters long, 8th word is 8 letters long and so on

If yoy counted the last word as twenty letters long, surely you are jobless or a 'doubting' creep.
courtesy : Aarthy Murthy - fwd email. Did you notice the title in 1,2,3 & 4 ..ah ah !!

This is your FIRST TIME !

by bjaypee @ 22. Jan 2008 – 07:06:38

THE SUCCESS OF MARRIAGE

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: "Sir, it's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: " We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time". She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again.

This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?" ..

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"."

Husband:"That's it. We are happy ever after. "

from fwd email

FROG, the eternal PRINCE

by bjaypee @ 22. Jan 2008 – 07:00:26

City dwellers may not have had the pleasure of meeting His Royal Highness Frog, the legendary price who turns to a human being when a beautiful maid kisses him.

But in places like Mettupalayam, near Coimbatore, there are quite a few Princes who in all their legendary regalia cry for the attention of all those beauties.

Here is one of them !

photo@bellie jayaprakash

Be Careful on the CELL

by bjaypee @ 22. Jan 2008 – 06:48:32

Warning: Names on Mobile Phones

This is really interesting and downright scary.

This lady has changed her habit of how she lists her names on her mobile phone after her handbag was stolen.

Her handbag, which contained her cell phone, credit card, wallet...etc....was stolen. 20 minutes later when she called her hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had happened, hubby says 'I've just received your text asking about our Pin number and I've replied a little while ago.'

When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn. The thief had actually used the stolen cell phone to text 'hubby' in the contact list and got hold of the pin number. Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from their bank account.

Moral of the lesson: Do not disclose the relationship between you and the people in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Honey, Hubby, Sweetheart, Dad, Mom, etc....... And very importantly, when sensitive info is being asked thru text messages, CONFIRM by calling back. Also, when you're being texted by friends or family to meet them somewhere, be sure to call back to confirm that the message came from them. If you don't reach them, be very careful about going places to meet 'family and friends' who text you.

[ recd as a fwd email]

PLEASE PASS THIS ON !

What Colour ?

by bjaypee @ 22. Jan 2008 – 06:42:49

What colour... is love, if it is pink

then what colour... is hate, I dread to think.

What colour... is freedom, if it is white

then what colour... is slavery, if it results in a fight.

What colour... is imagination, if it is blue

then what colour... is dream, if it ends without a clue

What colour... is the 'ink' that flows from the keyboard?

Wisdom from Water or Wine ?

by bjaypee @ 22. Jan 2008 – 06:40:01

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of crap.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Waste, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of s**t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service [by passing this fwd email 'spam' with an element of truth]

SPOUSE....Partner for LIFE ?

by bjaypee @ 14. Jan 2008 – 01:02:04

Want to know how inseparable you are from your life partner?
& Why should the wedding ring be worn on the fourth finger?

There is a beautiful and convincing explanation given by the Chinese.....

Thumb represents your Parents.

Second (Index) finger represents your Siblings.

Middle finger represents your-Self.

Fourth (Ring) finger represents your Life Partner.

The Last (Little) finger represents your children.

Firstly, open your palms (face to face), bend the middle fingers and hold them together - back to back
Secondly, open and hold the remaining three fingers and the thumb - tip to tip
(As shown in the figure below):

Now, try to separate your thumbs (representing the parents)..., they will open, because your parents are not destined to live with you lifelong, and have to leave you sooner or later.

Please join your thumbs as before and separate your Index fingers (representing siblings)...., they will also open, because your brothers and sisters will have their own families and will have to lead their own separate lives.

Now join the Index fingers and separate your Little fingers (representing your children)...., they will open too, because the children also will get married and settle down on their own some day.

Finally, join your Little fingers, and try to separate your Ring fingers (representing your spouse).

You will be surprised to see that you just CANNOT....., because Husband & Wife have to remain together all their lives - through thick and thin!!

Try this out.............

from a friend through fwd mail

Phobia about Nudity

by bjaypee @ 14. Jan 2008 – 00:54:18

Gymnophobia - Fear of Nudity

Gymnophobia is a fear or anxiety about being seen naked, and/or about seeing others naked, even in situations where it is socially acceptable. Gymnophobes may experience their fear of nudity before all people, or only certain people, and may regard their fear as irrational. This phobia often arises from a feeling of inadequacy that their bodies are physically inferior, particularly due to comparison with idealized images portrayed in the media. The fear may also stem from anxiety about sexuality in general, or from a persistent feeling of vulnerability associated with the thought that those who have seen the gymnophobe naked will continue to imagine the gymnophobe nude.

The above is a cut & paste from the following link, referred to me by a FWD email fanatic who is interested in 'NAKED' truth.

http://listverse.com/bizarre/top-10-bizarre-phobias/

Incidentally, you can read about a lot of bizarre phobias there.

Gymnophobia is a fear or anxiety about being seen naked, and/or about seeing others naked, even in situations where it is socially acceptable. Gymnophobes may experience their fear of nudity before all people, or only certain people, and may regard their fear as irrational. This phobia often arises from a feeling of inadequacy that their bodies are physically inferior, particularly due to comparison with idealized images portrayed in the media. The fear may also stem from anxiety about sexuality in general, or from a persistent feeling of vulnerability associated with the thought that those who have seen the gymnophobe naked will continue to imagine the gymnophobe nude.

The above is a cut & paste from the following link, referred to me by a FWD email fanatic who is interested in 'NAKED' truth.

http://listverse.com/bizarre/top-10-bizarre-phobias/

Incidentally, you can read about a lot of bizarre phobias there.